one step backwards
by silverxsnowflake
Summary: slowly, they discover parts of each other and figure out what's meant to be. multiple pairings. Chapter 2 up! "if you loved me," she muttered, "you should've cared about the consequences."
1. glass rose (A x T)

one step backwards

summary: slowly, they discover parts of each other and figure out what's meant to be. multiple pairings.

A/N: This is a series of one-shots for Shugo Chara, which I do not own, detailing pairings (yes, even those I dislike). Enjoy!

CHAPTER I: glass rose (amu x tadase)

Sometimes, she looks so fragile that he's afraid to touch her or speak to her lest she stumble and shatter, and he be left to pick up the pieces and see what lies underneath her mask.

The cool and spicy facade has evolved to something of its own. It used to be something that Amu hid behind. Now, it's all that's left of her sanity, all that's left of the girl that he used to know.

Some days she's grumpy, but at the same time it's endearing, and he can't help but think how _cute_ she can get.

 _"It's raining."_

 _She turns her attention from the dark gray clouds outside, dumping water down on unsuspecting students. They're inside the greenhouse waiting for the bad weather to pass. He's sitting on a wooden bench, and she's hopped up on an empty counter and leaned against the glass wall, watching the rain drip down the opaque sides of their shelter and brooding._

 _"Do you want a medal? That's why we're here in the first place."_

 _Gone were the days when she would blush and shiver, as if just noticing the rain, and stammer a reply. She was too jaded for that now, and far too cynical._

 _Sighing, he watches his glass wall, and sees Rima-san and Kairi walking to the greenhouse as well, Kairi holding the umbrella impassively and Rima with a grouchy look on her face (well, it's_ cute _when she's annoyed too since she's so small and everything...)_

 _"We've got company, Amu-chan!"_

 _She growls slightly. "Not Amu-chan. Amu or Hinamori or whatever. Stop adding -chan to my name. We're not in elementary school anymore. Get out of your diapers."_

 _He frowns, but feels a hand on his head, and he perks up._

 _"Your hair's all wet," she comments offhandedly, and smirks. "You want to be presentable when the company arrives."_

 _And despite the thundering storm, despite the girl who isn't who he wishes she was, and despite all the thoughts that had clouded his mind, her words bring a double rainbow, and he can smile again._

He knows that she has problems, more than she cares to mention, and is more than happy to be a teddy bear to hug and squeeze and cry onto.

Like that day in the past when she failed a science test.

 _She had asked him to go to the greenhouse immediately when he saw her that day, so he knew she had something awful to say or something awful had happened to her._

 _When they got there was when she broke down._

 _She told him about the science test, and the barely failing grade, and how she'd have to take tutorials._

 _He watches her armor crack just a bit, and he understands that she will let him in this time._

 _Slowly, he nudges her a little until she's sitting in his lap and sobbing, and he's rubbing relaxing circles onto her head, patting the silky locks of bubblegum and wondering how he had gotten himself into this._

 _"I just...it was the one thing...nngh...I wish..."_

 _"Shh," he tells her, cupping her cheek, "it's fine."_

 _With anybody else it would be considered romantic, but with them, it's just Tadase's pathetic way of soothing an already broken girl. But it works, and her eyes light up just a bit._

 _"I'll tutor you myself, and if all else fails, I'll get the teacher to change the grade with my family's connections."_

 _"Don't do that for me. You're always trying to help me out, but it's not really helping since you already make everything happen." She's suddenly grouchy, and kicks away his legs, turning away from him, her slender torso looking out of the glass wall again, like that rainy day._

 _Her pink bangs hide a blush and a scowl, he knows, and she doesn't want to show him._

 _"Amu-chan," he begins hesitantly, "Amu-chan..."_

 _She turns toward him, unwillingly._

 _"Didn't you ever think that I was willing to do all this for you because I wanted to? You're worth it. You're worth everything."_

 _And somehow that makes her cry again, and lean her head on his shoulder, but he'd rather have her crying than angry._

 _Anger has never suited her, and he knows she hates to get angry, since she loses control._

 _Right now, they'll just stay there, him soothing her until the pain subsides, but doesn't go away, and she can stand back up and pull her mask back on, and nobody will know the difference, since she can't bear to show them how hollow she feels._

Today is one of the days that she's happy. It rarely happens, and it means that either she saw Ami (the siblings only see each other every month if they're lucky because of the divorce; Ami lives with her dad in some faraway place; he hasn't inquired, and he doesn't think she'll tell him) or that her mother was feeling up to conversation this morning.

He knows that Amu's mother Midori means a lot to her, and they have a distant but loving relationship. Midori works a long shift, plenty of overtime, since sending Amu to the private school they go to costs a lot more now that there's only one person to shoulder the burden.

Plenty of the kids are rich - Rima's father controls the Mashiro group, Kairi's family specializes in music production, and is a very big recording studio (they have a location in this small town, near their home - he sometimes sees Amu there with her guitar), Nagihiko and Nadeshiko's family are all celebrities and famous dancers with a huge fan following. Utau Hoshina is a pop idol, looked up to by multitudes; Kukai's family is reasonably well-to-do, and he's one of the best up-and-coming soccer players in Japan at the moment. Saaya's parents...he doesn't even know what they do, but they're rich, which Saaya flaunts openly. His parents...well, he won't go there since there's too much to say.

And he's offered plenty of times to Amu to arrange a promotion for her mother so she earns more, but Amu simply points out that her job makes her mother happy, even if she has to work more, and so he ends up not arranging the promotion and sitting there, hoping that somehow he can make her earn more while retaining the job. A _lot_ more per month, since he sees Amu sometimes in outfits that she's outgrown but still wears since her waist still fits them.

He knows that she thinks she looks dumpy in the pleated, flounced skirt that has suddenly turned into a childish miniskirt on her, and the black top whose sleeves are too short and comes up her stomach.

However, she won't accept monetary donations from him.

She works at a cafe part-time in order to make a little more leeway for her mother to stop working. He comes by occasionally and is guilty of tipping her far more than normal. She doesn't say anything, because in the form of a tip they can both pretend it's not charity.

He's not sure if she knows how much he loves her, how much he just wants to see her _leave_.

The small town they live in is way too small for her, and it's holding her down. University - she has the brains and she's applied to scholarships that he _knows_ she'll get, but deep down he knows that she wants to stay with her mother.

There are so many great things she can do if she just spreads her wings and leaves them behind.

He knows that all of the people at their school will leave as well, but Amu can't seem to fathom losing everything in order to succeed.

It pains him to see her stay.

Because he knows he himself must leave, since there is nothing in this town that his father would even consider a good reason for not continuing the family business.

Everybody around them is learning how to fly, and she's clipped off her wings stubbornly, trying to resist change, trying to stay the same.

Today is the day that they graduate.

They sit through the long ceremony, and she is called up as co-salutatorian, along with Rima, and the valedictorian is read as Kairi - which everybody expected in the first place.

He knows why Amu-chan and Rima-san ended up only salutatorians.

Rima didn't want to force Kairi out of his spot due to the guilt that she would crush his dreams (he wanted to go to medical school, but his family disapproved and wouldn't sponsor it, so he needed the scholar ship).

And Amu...didn't believe in herself enough.

He knows it sounds silly, but she did worse than she could have because she was afraid she would be disappointed if she tried her hardest.

Kind of like why she won't move.

She's afraid that she won't be like everyone else tells her, she won't be incredible.

In his mind, though, she's already incredible.

He wonders why he hasn't realized all of this years ago, then remembers.

Seven years ago, he was too in love with her to see her weak points.

Now that she pushed him away, he sees clearly now.

Grasping on to her hand next to him, he squeezes it, and in that one gesture is the hope, the longing, and the love that he's felt for all these years, and the understanding.

This is the end for them. He knew they were never compatible.

Still, he doesn't think he'll ever forget how happy they were.

"If this is happiness," he mutters, "then love is overrated."

The ceremony ends, and the air is full of joyous screaming as the graduating class tosses their caps out to the crowd.

He takes his off, and throws it sky-high, his hand entwined with Amu's.

And in that moment, he knows that everything will be okay.


	2. things fall apart (R x N)

things fall apart

summary: slowly, they discover parts of each other and figure out what's meant to be. multiple pairings.

 **A/N: This is a series of one-shots for Shugo Chara, which I do not own, detailing pairings (yes, even those I dislike). Enjoy!**

Perhaps this is the end for them.

No, this is certainly the end for them.

She sits, curled up into a ball, her expression serene, on the couch in the living room, and she's just dressed in a pair of jeans and a jacket that she managed to snag from her - no, their - room without alerting the happy couple.

The tears have already started, and it's like a faucet that she can't turn off. The faucet has rusted away because nobody's ever used it, and now that it's finally put back to use, it's rather faulty.

She hasn't cried since her elementary school days, back in Seiyo, where she put all her demons at rest.

And now she sits here mutely, eyes wide and sweating, and she wonders how she got into this mess in the first place.

She knows that they can't hear her, so she lets out the tiniest of whimpers, and wonders where she can stay for the night.

Her parents' house is off-limits, since they're on their anniversary trip that she planned for them, and the spare key they gave her is only for emergencies. She doubts they'd classify this as an emergency.

Meanwhile, she doubts that Amu and Ikuto will let her stay. No way will Utau and Kukai either. Kairi might, but she doesn't want to impose on him or anything, and Yaya and Tadase might as well, but they're both too nice and she'll end up feeling useless, like a third wheel.

She carefully walks out of the apartment, and exits the building, pretending to be walking into the apartment from the outside when really she just left.

Sure enough, out of the gilded door shoots a pink-haired girl...

Speak of the devil. She feels her breath catch, and she gasps for air, staggering to the wall and holding on for support.

That was Amu.

Amu just left her apartment.

Her world tilts upside down, and she's falling to the ground in the soft snow.

The tears start coming again, and soon enough she's wailing like an infant.

Even though she's dressed rather warmly, her pale skin is cold, and her body is sinking down, through the piles of smooth snow, which are actually quite deep.

She shakes her head, and hauls herself up. It will do her no good to wallow in self-pity.

Hurrying into the building, she brushes the snow off of herself, and, rummaging for her key in her purse, opens the door.

There is Nagihiko, sitting in the kitchen, his reading glasses propped up on his nose snugly, his hair in a ponytail.

He looks really girly right now.

She's grateful for that thought, since it distracts her from reality.

He looks up from his book and his steaming mug of coffee.

"Welcome back, Rima-chan."

"I-I saw Amu," she stammers, aware of her face flushing bright, bright red and her eyes shooting down to the ground nervously.

"We were just catching up. She dropped by a few hours ago, and we got to talking about the good old days when we all went to the same schools. Until college, of course."

She's aware that she looks like she's seen a ghost, her face ashen, and her eyes impossibly large, like cookies to a sheet of paper. Her hands fly up to cover her eyes.

"I see," she says lowly, and she sees a hint of fear in his eyes.

He thinks she knows.

She knows he thinks she knows, because she does know.

She knows everything now.

It's too late now, to pretend nothing had happened.

She rushes into their bedroom, and starts flinging clothes into a suitcase. Dresses fly off the hangers like magic, and so do shoes and skirts and tops. She pauses only to catch her breath, or to pick up a dropped item.

He comes into the room, surprised.

"Rima-chan, what are you doing?"

She looks past him, past that lying face that she fell for five years ago, and she sees the pure, white snow outside their window. The place where she fell is now completely covered. There is no evidence she was ever there. Meanwhile, the bare trees shiver in the wind, and snow keeps on falling, making everything beautiful.

That was when they were truly happy, in their first winter. Maybe after that was when he started his affair.

And she couldn't forget Christmas, could she?

She had been so sick that they didn't think she'd ever recover, but she did. He was distant, and rarely visited her in the hospital. Nadeshiko told her that her brother just couldn't stand looking at such things, that he was delicate.

"You mean he can't stand looking at me," she had said, eyes downcast and clutching a teddy bear. "He can't stand looking at me, can he? He doesn't love me if he can't look at me, if I'm not pretty to him...please leave, Nadeshiko. You look like him. You look so much like him...and you might be disgusted with me too. You might hate me because I'm sick. I don't want to make you hate me."

She had cried into that bear. That was how many years ago? Two?

Ironically, she had never had a very strong constitution.

Winter was cold and harsh, but it was also a time of rest and love, especially the generosity of Christmas. It was her season.

And he hated winter.

He loved summer.

Summer, carefree and daring, exciting and cute.

Winter, regal and calm, beautiful and serene.

He loved Amu.

They were polar opposites, and they should have never come together.

"I'm sorry," she says, and to prove that she really means it, she touches his cheek.

He doesn't flinch away from her touch. His face is warm, and it's earnest, but she doesn't believe him anymore, because she can't believe him anymore.

"Do you hate me?" she says softly, and slowly retracts her hand. But he grabs it again, a sudden movement that startles her.

For a moment neither of the two say anything, just him holding her hand, unwilling to let her go. She feels his eyes boring into hers, and she looks back into them with defiance, shame, and hurt.

"No," he says after a brief pause, "I don't hate you."

"But you don't love me," she says, and zips up her suitcase. As she's about to leave, he stands in front of the door, and takes something out of his pocket.

In a rush of words that are so unlike him, he says, "The day I met you...I took your cell phone because you left it on the bench...I didn't give it back because I wanted to know what your number was...I kept it..."

He's starting to cry as well, and her tears are already long gone.

"You are out of chances," she says coldly. "You've tried to love winter, but I see that you don't."

He blinks, astonished.

"What do you mean by loving winter? How does that have to do with anything?"

She puts a hand on her heart, and remembers everything. She remembers her little goofball chara, KusuKusu, and she remembers their companionship. She remembers destroying X-Eggs, she remembers being told by everyone that Amu was right and she was wrong. She remembers believing that she could be happy, that maybe it would work out in the end.

And she feels her heart tug in response, trying to stay on Nagihiko's side. No, her brain tells her, don't stay. He's a cheating liar, and he'll always be one.

In that instance she knows that her brain will always be logical, while her heart will always be emotional.

"You don't like logic. You'd rather have emotions. You'd rather have her and me. When we were little. That crush you had. I should've known I could never replace her in your heart. I was always second-best. None of you really loved me...she was the center of all of your worlds, and what was I? You jumped to her defense first because she was so beautiful to you...and to me too. She was my friend, but she didn't love me. I loved her."

"I don't understand why I stayed. I should've left. I should've known that Amu was always your true love. But she didn't want you, and so you took me instead. We were never ever equals, were we? I can't love you, because I haven't found somebody who will love me more than her."

He frowns.

"She might be my sun," he says, "but you are my moon. The sun might be bright and blinding, people might only see the sun at first, but the moon is for those lost in despair, those who need a guide to their light. The moon shines brighter than the sun because the people who love it are darker. The moon is beautiful."

He walks closer to her, and she winces a little.

"I love you."

"No," she says, and runs while she can, runs out of the apartment with her suitcase in tow.

He chases her all the way down to the apartment's parking lot where she hastily dials a cab. He's still following her, and he is almost going to catch up until the car screeches up, and she hastily flings herself inside of it.

The driver quirks an eyebrow.

"Nasty ex?"

"No," she says tiredly, "just a cheating bastard who tried to smooth it over with words."

They are moving, and she doesn't know where, but all she knows is that leaving was necessary.

"Sometimes," the driver says softly, turning to look at her, his gentle blue eyes gleaming in the moonlight, "we just have to forgive and forget."

She shakes her head.

"He's messed up too many times."

"He loves you."

She tastes blood in her mouth, a sign that she's bitten down on her tongue accidentally.

Stiffly, she says, "He might love me, but I will always be second in his heart, and it's pulling him down."

They keep on driving into the night, and she watches the city go by in a flash, and wonders what he is doing.

"If you loved me," she mutters, "maybe you would care about the consequences."


	3. when the moon shines bright (K x R x N)

when the moon shines bright (midnight in the garden)

summary: slowly, they discover parts of each other and figure out what's meant to be. multiple pairings. (KxRxN)

 **A/N: This is a series of one-shots for Shugo Chara, which I do not own, detailing pairings (yes, even those I dislike). Enjoy!**

It's midnight already, and she stirs, feeling like something important is supposed to happen right now.

She tries to sit up, but she realizes that she's being pulled down by an arm wrapped tightly around her chest, binding her to him, and she doesn't blush, because by now this is a normal occurence.

Most of the time he does this because he wants to know that somebody is there for him, that he's not alone, and she obliges because she likes to see him happy.

And it's a little fuzzy, but she can remember what happened last night, and she wishes that she could find a different way to fix him.

She fumbles for her contacts on the table, finds them, and puts them in, blinking a little to clear the groginess from her eyes.

The room has been bathed in moonlight, and he looks angelic, his silky locks shining, and his milky pale face hosting the ghost of a broken smile, his eyes shut, his long eyelashes fluttering a little.

She strokes his hair, and feeling a bit foolish, whispers, "Go back to sleep, Nagi-kun."

He does so, and releases her.

She gets up, and pulls the covers back over him so he won't catch a cold, and lovingly places a kiss on his forehead, feeling the searing temperature, and wishing that they could be something less broken, that they could feel love.

But they can't, and she breaks out of the moment, and for a second, she just sits there, and her face is a bit wet, and she's wondering why she does all of this for him.

"Of course," she mumbles, "you know I love him."

Honestly, she's got no clue who's she talking to, and she really doesn't care, since she just wants to reaffirm it, for somebody to tell her that what she's doing isn't selfish, but it makes her feel so naive and innocent when it happens.

There is honestly nothing that she can do for him, and she's already confirmed that in secret with his psychiatrist.

The window is strangely still open, so she shuts up, and absentmindedly touches the glass, feeling the coolness against her fingers, and hoping that he'll wake up at the right time.

His persisting insomnia shows itself, and she hates seeing him sleepy in the mornings, so she comes over so he can rest.

It's more than anyone should handle, her problems, plus the mess that she's stuck in, and then on top of that the guilt.

More than anything, she's guilty, and she hates herself for being used so easily.

She jumps up from the bed, whispers a soft, "I'm sorry," and quick as a sparrow, flees from the bedroom, into the living room, then the kitchen, and out the door.

Since she didn't drive over here (she took the train) she walks home because the next train doesn't come in another hour, and he might notice her gone by then.

It makes her feel awful when he catches her leaving, so she leaves early so she won't have to see the brokenhearted expression on her face.

He deserves someone who can handle this stress, handle all the burdens that come with him and still love him.

She's not enough for him, and she knows it.

While he's a CEO, she's just a secretary, and even though she has rich parents, she's nothing without them.

Introducing him to her mother and father was disastrous as she had thought, especially when Junko pulled her aside and told her that he wasn't the right one for him.

She told her mother to shut up and left, because she couldn't bear to hear from somebody else her suspicions, that maybe it was true this was all wrong.

And so now she's in her large apartment doing nothing, just sitting out on the balcony and staring over the city, watching the stars.

They shine over everybody, bathing them in the cold, pale, moonlight, and she finds that she loves the night most, because it's even brighter than the day, and the sky is so beautiful that it's breathtaking.

It would be so easy, just to drown herself in the night and forget about the day, but she refuses to, since she also loves the day, just not as much.

"Why can't I..."

She's unable to finish her sentence, just breaks off into sobs, and at the moment she's feeling small and insignificant, and for some reason, in the back of her mind, it clicks.

She loves him.

So much that it burns her to think about it. But it's not a normal type of love, not fiery or passionate or anything. Just a subdued, sheltered, and soft love, which isn't what she's looking for.

But why does she feel so guilty, then?

She doesn't have all the answers, and she sits there languidly, lost in her own thought until the sun rises.

It's five in the morning, and the sun hasn't risen yet, but they have to start a new day, so she rouses herself from her depression, pushes in the chair neatly, makes herself breakfast, and gets dressed in a suitable outfit complete with heels, then shuts the door gently, and escapes.

She's got to go somewhere, since staying at home makes her feel like she's suffocating.

She winds up at Kairi's place, sipping tea and talking out her problems with him.

He reaches for her hand, and squeezes it. It's a gesture that makes her happy, but at the same time she's a little melancholy, because she's the only one he still talks to from middle school. He's nearly isolated, but he's pretty famous for his amazing skills and his rigorous teachings.

"What do I do?" she practically screams, dropping her cup of tea and shattering it on the ground. She stares in dismay at the porcelain shards and the splattered liquid.

He says nothing, just sips his tea engimatically. Then he tells her to back away so he can clean up the mess, and for a while they just drink tea and are happy in each other's company.

She ends up sitting on his lap, and they're both watching a cartoon that she remembers from childhood.

She's got work today, but she really doesn't want to go, and so she just sits there, basks in the moment, and doesn't say a thing.

"Thanks," she says softly, and even though he doesn't give away that she heard, she knows he's heard, and she smiles, because for the first time she feels like she's safe.


End file.
